Thirty Questions, One Answer

Thirty Questions, One Answer

By: Josh “2cents” Miley

 

So it’s 2009, the year of The Bron on most Cleveland calendars and the year of Obama for the rest of America.  As we dive feet first into the New Year I’ve listed 31 burning questions facing Americans from coast to coast, and surprisingly they all have the same answer…

 

1. What can the Lakers do to ensure they have more depth than the Celtics or Cavs?

 

1. How can Illinois Governor Rob Blagojevich clear his name?

 

1. What can the Minnesota Timberwolves do to resurrect their franchise?

 

1. How can the Obama Administration really turn the economy around?

 

1. What can be done to fix the flawed BCS?

 

1. How can Britney Spears stay in the public’s good graces and away from media scrutiny?

 

1. What can Roger Federer do to reclaim his #1 ranking from Rafael Nadal?

 

1. How can O.J. get out of jail?

 

1. What else can the Yankees do to buy their next Championship?

 

1. How do you keep golf relevant if Tiger isn’t back for the Masters?

 

1.  What can the Big Three do to really stave off bankruptcy?

 

1. How can Manny get three years for seventy-five million dollars?

 

1. What can the Israelies and the Hamas do to find common ground?

 

1. How can hockey or heavyweight boxing become relevant in America again?

 

1. What more can China do to own the world without anyone knowing about it?

 

1. How can Christopher Nolan make a bigger, better Batman than The Dark Knight?

 

1. What can Mike Myers do to make us forget The Love Guru?

 

1. How do you fix the mess in Oakland with the Raiders and the Warriors?

 

1. What can A-Rod do to land Madonna and have the public love him for it?

 

1. How can Michael Phelps possibly top his 2008 performances?

 

1. What’s the quickest way to get the troops out of Iraq?

 

1. How can Nationals or the Orioles become 2009’s Tampa Bay Rays?

 

1. What can Jennifer Aniston do to keep a man?

 

1. How can we make Brett Favre decide quicker whether he will retire or come back?

 

1. What can Sarah Palin do to stay in the limelight?

 

1.  How can Chuck Norris sell more Total Gym’s?

 

1. What can Oprah do to lose the weight (again)?

 

1. How can Indiana basketball repair the harm done by Kelvin Sampson?

 

1. What can Wade Phillips do to turn around things in Big D besides assassinate Jerry?

 

1. How can Al Gore reverse global warming?

 

1. What can Jake Coleman and the CSD Vikings do to improve athletics across the board?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hire Bill Cowher

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Happy New Year                                                                             Go Cavs

The Grinch Who Stole My Christmas

The Grinch Who Stole My Christmas

By: Josh “2-cents Miley”

 

Three nights before Christmas and I’m the lone person awake in my house; not a creature is stirring, not even a mouse.  As I settle in to watch my beloved Packers play, I look up to my ceiling, to God, and I pray:

 

“Let no one get hurt and let the Bears running game falter, keep Aaron protected and let Ryan Grant remind us all of Walter!”                         (Walter Peyton reference)

 

So there I sit all ready to cheer, but in the back of my there’s always the fear.  With one half in the books things are going real well, I hope my Packers can hold on until the last bell.

 

But then it happens as it always does, trouble in Titletown with no real reason why except because.  We’ve seen it before too many times for it to be a fluke.  The truth is this team kinda makes you wanna puke.

 

Yes things looked promising as most often they do. Yes things looked promising until karma took over and the Green Bay Packers blew. The punt went off Jared Bush, the offense got stagnant; the defense waffled like a rusty old nail being pulled by a magnet. McCarthy didn’t challenge a matter of mere inches, Crosby missed a kick and the Bears crowd is in stitches. Next of course Crosby had a game winner blocked, the coin toss went off Urlacher’s helmet and once again the Bears fans rocked. Forte woke up and Robbie Gould was real boss, for me just a sad state of affairs, another Packers loss.

 

Frustration mounting I look down and say.  “Oh why, oh why couldn’t number four stay?” I know however even he couldn’t have helped us this day. No QB can win if his defense lays down like a lazy gay dog on a hot day in May.

 

No the damage has been done and it’s been done simply by one.  A man who stands stunned, a man who’s no fun.  He drafts only offense and he never over pays, he could have had Randy Moss for peanuts but instead said no way.  He battled a legend and claimed to come out on top. Then he refused to give his starting running back more money causing the Packer running game to stop. His punter was horrid and lost his job, plus his kick coverage is not much better I write with a sob.

 

 But of course all this pales in comparison to his lack luster D, a group with less spine than a scrawny Brit sipping on tea.  He signed Pickett and Woodson but no one of worth since then, for those of you wondering that was 2006 when Brad was still married to Jen. He’s shipped away talent he deemed over priced, he’s shipped away talent and Al Harris is next; nice. 

 

As for the draft he never looks to climb the ladder, simply trade value for late round picks, making us average and me all the sadder.  Twenty picks in four years was a chance to raise his stature.  Only five defensive choices and you can start to see what’s the matter.  He built an offense to succeed when four stepped aside, hoping his golden child Aaron Rodgers would break into the NFL running full stride.  Yes the offense has produced and Rodgers has statistically delivered, but 0-8 in close games makes even the most devout Packers fans shiver. 

 

Oh, he wanted to be right when he made the trade that caused grown men to cry.  However the vanilla defense he created caused this season to die.  Penalties are typical, injuries abound; we all cannot wait for this Sunday’s final gun to sound.  It will signal the end to a long and dismal year. It will signal the end of a party with old and stale beer.

 

Yes a Grinch stole my Christmas when he torpedoed this season.  A Grinch stole my Christmas and I’ll tell you the reason.  His ego’s to large and his brain is too small.  Wanting to be known as ‘the man’ has this historic franchise in total free fall. I shall end this rhyming with some words commonly uttered in Wisconsin: eat lots of our cheese and FUCK YOU Ted Thompson.

Merry Christmas to all my fans…all three of you.

Naughty or Nice

Naughty or Nice

By: Josh “2cents” Miley

 

With Christmas less than a week away, it’s time to unveil our annual “Naughty or Nice in the World of Sports” List.  This year we feature amazing performances, odd name changes and the occasional run in with the U.S. Government.

 

Elton Brand Naughty

-Elton was set to be the missing piece that would send Mo Cheeks and Co. on a deep playoff run.  Brand has under-performed, under-produced, gotten his coach fired and is now sidelined for a month.  That’s no way to win over Philly fans.

 

LeBron James Nice

- A gold medal, a 21-4 start, consistent mention as an MVP candidate, 80% from the free throw line and a renewed defensive intensity.  Watch out Boston and L.A.

 

Marc Cuban Naughty

 - Marc traded away budding star Devin Harris for Jason Kidd by bringing used car salesman/average shooter Rick MaHorn out of retirement…sorta.  Cuban was also accused of insider trading.  If he was any good at insider trading he wouldn’t have grabbed the overpaid Jason Kidd.

 

Chad Pennington and the Miami Dolphins Nice

- In August if you’d have bet each of your friends $100 that the Dolphins would have a winning record at the end of the season, you’d be in better shape than Fannie Mae, Freddie Mac or the Big Three.  Kudos to Parcells, Sporano and Co.

 

Chad Ocho Cinco Naughty

- It’s not the name change, we rather like that, but Ocho Cinco went from pre-Madonna with great talent on the field to whinny crybaby that is over paid and under produces in the span of sixteen games.  The only faster fall from grace might belong to Jim Zorn if he can’t win one of the next two.

 

Joe Paterno Nice

- 82 years old with an 11-1 team in a major bowl game over New Year’s.  Anyone who downplays your greatness should be sent to play for the Oklahoma City Thunder as penance. 

 

Carlos Boozer Naughty

- First he lies to a blind man in order to sign a large contract to play in front of the largest Mormon congregation in the free world, now he’s telling the Morman’s to show him the money or he’s out.  A player of his stature needs to sit put in one city and make a name for himself.  He’s a Contract Journeyman; a bi-product of the business of sports today and it’s just sad.

 

Greg Maddux Nice

- The doctor hung up the cleats on one hell of a career in 2008.  I ask you this.  If you’re San Diego or Atlanta and this coming year goes as bad as last year…why wouldn’t you consider Greg Maddux as your new skipper?  You telling me you don’t think he’s smart enough to manage a ball club?

 

Roger Clemens Naughty

- The old man had more drugs in him than a hooker from South Boston on New Year’s and couldn’t understand how the public turned on him so swiftly.  I can answer that in three words: Red Sox, Yankees.  Outside of the East Coast no one really likes those squads and we’re eager to tear them down.  Ruining Roger Clemens was a two-for-one hazing we just couldn’t pass up.

 

 

 

 

 

Ana Ivanovic Nice

Your ranked fifth in the world of women’s professional tennis, but we like you for other reasons…

 

ESPN Naughty

- Remember when ESPN showed highlights and games and the announcers we’re funny because they never took it all that seriously?  These days the well oiled machine has become the sports world’s version of Big Brother.  Enough is enough.  And now that they’ve signed on to carry the BCS…do you actually think they’ll call for a playoff in the sport, or just hype the BCS like it’s the greatest thing since Havlicheck stole the ball?

 

Phil Jackson Nice

- The beard may be gone but your Lakers are playing as good as anyone in the NBA.  Chasing number ten seems to be damn near impossible, but the less you lean on Kobe, the better your chances get.

 

The NHL Naughty

Suspending a guy because he said sloppy seconds?  First of all, no one in America cares about your sport so keeping the talent on the ice is the single most important thing you can do.  Second, if you told me when I was 15 that as a hockey player I could have drop dead gorgeous models any night of the week but it’d have to be sloppy seconds, I’d have learned how to skate, developed a strong backhand and learned the proper pronunciation of the word a-boot.

 

Dwayne Wade Nice

-D Wade looked great in the Olympics and it has carried over into the NBA’s regular season.  I for one see the NBA as a better league with a healthy D Wade…I know Jimmy Buffett agrees. 

 

Ted Thompson Naughty

- Plain and simple: You’re a bastard.

 

Barack Obama Nice

- You speak the truth, and I’m not talking the bane of my existence, Paul Pierce.  Only a dude who really gets it would use the platform he was given to talk about sweeping change in America and have the stones to back it up.  I can’t wait until you change the college football post season format…YES WE CAN!

 

Merry Christmas to All and to All a Good Night!

 

P.S. Hey. If any of you are looking for any last-minute gift ideas for me, I have one. I’d like Frank Shirley, my boss, right here tonight. I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there on Melody Lane with all the other rich people and I want him brought right here, with a big ribbon on his head, and I want to look him straight in the eye and I want to tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, fore-fleshing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey shit he is. Hallelujah. Holy shit. Where’s the Tylenol? -Clark W. Griswold, Christmas Vacation

 

P.P.S.  Seriously, this is what I really want for Christmas:

 

Seriously…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Until Next Year…Go Cavs!

After All the Waiting, It’s Finally Next Year

After All the Waiting, It’s Finally Next Year

Josh “2-cents” Miley

 

Okay, I’ll get back to exposing the harsh realities of the sporting world with my razor sharp wit, mind-numbing attention to detail and clever pop culture metaphors with next week’s blog, but today I’m going to do something that needs to be done.  Bear in mind I’m about to break a lot of the cardinal rules bestowed upon young northeast Ohio boys when they decide to root for a Cleveland sports franchise, including rule number one, never be come too confident because this is Cleveland, but nonetheless this has to be said:

 

The Cleveland Cavaliers are really, really good.

 

I’m not talking 80s Marty ball good, or 90s Hargrove good, or even 00s Ohio State Buckeye Big 10 but not national spotlight good…I’m talking it’s finally next year good.  The kind of good where three second quarter technical fouls and a comfortable 16 point first-half lead cut to five just before the break still winds up producing a 20 point blowout against a perennial playoff team.  I’m talking a +13 scoring margin over opponents and a 104 PPG number put up by the offense.  I’m talking 48% shooting and the number one scoring defense in the association.  I’m talking about four starters in double figures, five guys shooting over 80% from the free throw line and I’m talking about the superstar sitting 6 of 8 fourth quarters because the games are already won.  I’m talking early 00s San Antonio good.  I’m taking early 90s Bulls good, and I’m talking early 80s Lakers good.

 

If you’re from Cleveland, right about now you’re cursing me for putting a hex on the whole damn thing and if you’re from anywhere else you’re saying talk to me when the schedule gets tougher and you’ll stick with L.A. or Boston thank you very much. I get it.  What I’m saying breaks rule one of being a Cleveland fan and as far as the national media is concerned, the sports god’s made Cleveland sports teams to be laughed at and whipped up on by the large market darlings. 

 

Not this year.  The 2008-2009 Cleveland Cavaliers are quickly evolving into something special.  Top to bottom the team has talent. The addition of Mo Williams gives the offense another threat to create consistently off pick and roll action.  This allows LeBron James to play off the ball more and thus conserve energy while on the court.  The conserved energy allows him to focus more intensity on the defensive end.  A focused LeBron on the defensive end added to a healthy and block happy Ben Wallace, a lightening quick Mo Williams, a happy Delonte West back at his natural two and the day-in/day-out consistent Big Z makes for a tough match-up for anyone in the NBA. 

 

What the Boston’s and L.A.’s of the world really have too be worried about however is the Cavaliers’ bench play.  Anderson Varejao is easily having his best season.  The high energy, charge taking machine has added a 15-foot elbow jumper to his arsenal and is shooting 60% from the floor.  He can play the pick and roll game with LeBron better than anybody on the team, and his decision making has been near flawless.  Simply put Varejao rarely takes stupid shots, instead he finds shooters.  Shooters like Wally Szczerbiack who is above 48% on the season from the floor.  Daniel “Boobie” Gibson has added a wide variety of basket penetration moves to his game forcing defenders to respect more than just his outside touch.  Sasha Pavlovic can be called upon to help shut down second tier superstar small forwards/shooting guards such as Vince Carter (12 total points on 3-12 shooting on 11/18) and Michael Redd (5 of 16 for 12 floor points on 11/29).  The bench is rounded out by journeyman Terance Kinsey and two rookies, Darnell Jackson from Kansas and J.J. Hickson from NC State.  The progression of both Jackson and Hickson has been solid and consistent, with each finding valuable second quarter minutes as the season has gone on.  By mid-March it’s safe to say the combined ten minutes a game these two see should produce a more than respectable stat line.   

 

And yet all of the on-court accolades pale in comparison to the off-the-court texture of this team.  On road trips they regularly roll ten or twelve deep to dinner. You hear the word family coming out of practically everyone’s mouth.  Everyone is quick to compliment other teammate’s achievements before their own. Coach Mike Brown has a leadership trust of players made up of LeBron James, Mo Williams, Big Z and Ben Wallace, dubbed “The Committee” who keep the coaching staff’s message from going stale and act as a buffer and sounding board between the players and coaches on issues big and small.  The starters take pride in building large leads because they want the deep bench players to get playing time in front of the fans.  The front office does wig nights and specific player memorabilia give away nights so each player feels as though he’s being highlighted and marketed to the city.  Everyone says the right things to the media and stays on an even keel. 

 

Most importantly, they all believe.  They have that certain swagger really good teams have.  They are a unified group with a singular mission. Plus they are humble about it. Said Mo Williams after last night’s victory over Toronto, “We’re just 21 games in; we feel like we [still] have a lot to get done.”  Big Z added, “We treat everybody the same. We respect everybody, but we fear nobody.”       

 

Right now there is no denying that the NBA’s cream of the crop consists of Boston, L.A. and Cleveland.  And while I acknowledge both Boston and L.A. are conference champions from last year who are off to very strong starts this year, I know it’s a special year in Cleveland.  I’m not saying the Cavs will win 73 and I’m not saying there won’t be bumps in the road, but what I am saying is that quiet optimism has been replaced with humble confidence.  The lofty goal has become an attainable goal.  Championship blueprints of the past are being followed in the present, and every extra minute LeBron sits now equates out to a fresher minute come May and June.  If you’re a Cleveland hater, be afraid, be very afraid. If you’re in the national media, get ready to eat some crow.  If you’re the casual observer, jump on the bandwagon, it’s gonna be a hell of a ride.  If you bleed green and white or purple and yellow you best take notice, because according to this prognosticator next year has finally arrived in Cleveland, and not even a Sports Illustrated cover article can stop us now.

 

Go Cavs.

It’s All About Them 1980s

By: Josh “2-cents” Miley

Hearken back to yesteryear with me (and cue that cheesy/wavy 80s “going back in time” dissolve for me while you’re at it). Remember riding in the back seat of that eight cylinder whale of a car your grandpa called his Olds? Or cramming into your best friend’s aunts’ foreign car because she had a tape deck and you wanted to listen to Ray Parker Jr. without hearing a record scratch? Remember that sappy ass song that always seemed to be on the radio whenever your moms took you to McDonald’s for a Happy Meal? You know the song: “I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let then lead the way.” C’mon, you ‘member. Well that was 1986, and if you look at sports, entertainment and the entire pop culture lexicon today, you’ll notice what you saw on television in the ‘80s has shaped what you’re watching today.

Let’s start with sports, more specifically the NFL. In the 1980’s Bill Walsh was the Mr. Wizard of the NFL. He was progress. The term “It guy” was coined in the ‘80s, and he was the “It guy” of the NFL. We all know Bill Belichick’s disciples including Romeo Crenell, Charlie Weis and Eric Mangini are current NFL/College coaches (with a combined losing record and no post-seasons wins; that’s another blog), but did you realize that Mike Holmgren, Andy Reid, John Fox, Jeff Fisher, Tony Dungy, Love Smith, Mike Tomlin, Mike McCarthy, Brad Childress and John Harbaugh are all in the Bill Walsh coaching tree? It’s not just coaches. Who does the Minnesota Vikings Adrian Peterson most get compared to? Barry Sanders? Eric Dickerson? Walter Payton? All of them rocked the house back in the ‘80s. Oh, and Jeff Feagles was a rookie in the ‘80s.

What about all the NFL media coverage? You got ‘80s superstars all over the place. Ditka still references the Super Bowl Shuffle every Sunday on ESPN and Neon Deion (Primetime, Primetime) is on the NFL Network making Wildcat sounds during the highlights. Hell, every other Super Bowl Spuds Mackenzie comes out of retirement to watch a play or two of the Bud Bowl doesn’t he? And don’t think all the aerial views and sky cams didn’t come out of the ‘80s…you know the first time you saw that behind the huddle view you immediately thought about being behind the action in John Elway’s Quarterback. And when did the end zone celebration begin to blossom? You guessed it, right about the time you were trading in your Rubik’s Cube and Teddy Ruxpin for an NES and Mike Tyson’s Punch Out.

Another great place to find the ‘80s is in the Association. The NBA is filled with ‘80s children and they all wanna be like Mike. You got Kobe, LeBron, DWade, Dwight Howard and Chris Bosh amongst others who all watched, loved and try to emulate Showtime (Aw, Worthy, you ‘member Showtime with me Magic). You got announcers in Detroit who make reference to the good old bad days. Kevin McHale, Larry Bird and Danny Ainge all run teams. BDiddy reminded us all of Timmy Hardaway and his killer cross-over when he was running with Golden State. And least we forget, the pre-game music and introductions that were perfected in Chicago during the ‘80s are still being imitated today.

Wanna talk the NHL or baseball? The sports mullet began in the ‘70s, was perfected in the ‘80s and is still en vogue in those sports today. Golf? Jack’s 1986 plaids are coming back. Wrestling? Hulk Hogan’s family just had a reality T.V. show. Tennis? McEnroe is a commentator, does tons of commercials and has been in multiple Adam Sandler flicks.

What about television? Knight Rider is back. Paul Reubens dressed up as Pee-Wee Herman and went on Jimmy Kimmel earlier in the year. David Hasselhoff is a household name again. This Simpson’s are still going strong. Hell, I hear MTV is even showing entire videos for a half hour a week these days, it’s glorious.

And the movies, oh my gawd going to the movies these days is an ‘80s child’s dream come true. Live action Transformers arrived last year. Live action G.I. Joe and CGI Smurfs are on the way. Alvin and the Chipmunks returned, as did Garfield, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, John McClane, Rocky, Indiana Jones, Yoda and Rambo, although some of them shouldn’t have. The comic books of the ‘50s and ‘60s were the cartoons of the ‘80s and now they’re the live action summer blockbusters of today. It’s cool to like the Batman movie franchise like we did in ’89. Iron Man is bangin’. The X-Men are uncanny, the Hulk is incredible and our spidey senses have been wowed time and time again.

So own up and face it, more of today’s pop culture, sports and entertainment have been shaped by the 1980s than we ever think to give the decade credit for. So the next time you turn on the television and hear Kevin Harlan describing a LeBron dunk as being so powerful it could generate the 1.21 jiggawatts required for time travel, just kick back and enjoy it baby…think of it like a snap bracelet of nostalgia to your grill every time your turn on the tube! Oh, and if you’re on X-Box Live, download Mega Man 9; it’s a brand new game delivered by the original Mega Man creator that was released earlier in 2008. You’ll love it; it features glorious HD eight-bit graphics and a classic ‘80s video game soundtrack that can’t be beat!